If your partner has been diagnosed with or is exhibiting signs of depression, it is strenuous on the relationship, and it can be stressful for you to figure out how to help. It is a self-isolating disorder that renders both the patient and the patient’s loved ones feeling hopeless and vulnerable.
My husband has been suffering from depression since he was a teenager. He can be triggered by random events or nothing at all, and in the past, I stood on the sidelines, at a loss as to why this was happening and what I should do. His depression has improved substantially due to improved self-care, self-awareness, and appropriate treatment. Over time, I have learned so much about the best ways to support my husband in his time of need. Depression is not an insurmountable condition. You can and should work together to get through the toughest parts.
Here are some ways to support a partner dealing with depression:
1. LEARN ABOUT DEPRESSION
Depression is a mood disorder that tends to cause a persistent feeling of sadness, loss of interest, and can interfere with your daily life. While depression can manifest differently in different people, there are certain symptoms that are characteristics of depression, including: feelings of sadness or hopelessness, changes in appetite, sleep disturbance, loss of interest in normal activities, fatigue, anger, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, and suicidal thoughts. Depression can also be caused by a number of different factors, the main reasons being abuse, death of a loved one, genetics, major life event, substance abuse, and other serious illnesses. The more that you learn about depression and its many facets, the better equipped you will be to recognize the symptoms and support your partner. Although there will be hard times, you can still have a healthy and happy relationship.
Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.
2. BE THERE AND SHOW THEM UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
When your partner is going through a particularly difficult time, be more intentional about making sure your love is felt, through whatever means they are most receptive to. Whether that means cooking their favorite dinner, watching their favorite movie, or spending quality time together, do whatever it is that will make them feel happy and loved. Reassure them that as challenging as the disorder is on you, you know it is much harder for them and that you are here to help.
A big part of depression is feeling really lonely, even if you’re in a room full of a million people.
3. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
Your partner’s symptoms may be mild or severe, and the effect that it may have on their life can vary.For many people with depression, the signs of depression may not be obvious to them, and they could be reluctant to seek outside help. However, depression rarely improves without treatment. You can help your partner by expressing your concerns, discussing treatment options, and helping make appointments. Offer to go with them to the appointments if that is something they want.
Depression, suffering and anger are all part of being human
4. ENCOURAGE TREATMENT
Your partner’s symptoms may be mild or severe, and the effect that it may have on their life can vary. For many people with depression, the signs of depression may not be obvious to them, and they could be reluctant to seek outside help.
However, depression rarely improves without treatment. You can help your partner by expressing your concerns, discussing treatment options, and help make appointments. Offer to go with them to the appointments if that is something they want.
Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.
5. MONITOR THEIR SELF-CARE BUT DON’T NAG THEM
For many people, self-care is an important part of keeping depressive episodes at bay. These things can include regular exercise, eating well, socialization with friends and family, and spending time doing what they love. Encourage them to keep up these good habits but don’t get on their case if they are slacking. You can offer support, but it is ultimately their responsibility to keep it up.
Keep yourself busy if you want to avoid depression. For me, inactivity is the enemy.
6. KNOW WHEN TO STAY CLOSE AND WHEN TO GIVE THEM SPACE
Telling other people to leave them alone is a common response for people who are going through depressive episodes. Sometimes space is what they need, but other times, they need people around them who love them, even if it is just to sit in silence. When your partner tells you they need space, ask them to make sure that is really what they want. If they seem unsure or hesitant, stay close until they tell you otherwise.
Our love will blend together like turquoise is blue and green. There’s no depression or envy when both blur into one.
7. KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS AND LET THEM KNOW WHEN YOU SEE THEM
Your partner will likely have warning signs before they sink into a depressive episode. These can be things like abnormal sleep patterns, negative self-talk, being uninterested in doing things they previously enjoyed, or increased anxiety and stress. If you notice these tell-tale signs, let your partner know so that they can be cognizant and deliberate in trying to keep the episode at bay. They may not be aware of the signs when it is happening to them.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
8. NEVER USE THEIR ILLNESS AGAINST THEM
Even in the midst of arguments, never use things that your partner said or did during a depressive episode as a weapon against them. Talking about what happened is encouraged, but never use those incidents maliciously or as a way to make them feel guilty about what their disorder is doing to you. This will not be beneficial for their recovery process or for your relationship.
Dear, if you’ve chosen the wrong road, don’t be sad, it is not late to turn around.
9. BE PREPARED TO PICK UP SOME OF THE SLACK
If your partner is going through a depressive episode, it is unlikely they will be able to pull their weight when it comes to things like housework, errands, and paying the bills. Be willing and ready to cover some of their responsibilities during this time. Keep in mind that this is only temporary, that they are not doing this to try to catch a break, and do your best to not feel resentful about doing extra work.
Do not be upset! Everything will be ok, if you need me, I can always talk with you or be silent.
10. ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL FRUSTRATED AND TIRED
Being the one always in the supportive role when your partner is going through a difficult time can be challenging and exhausting. Your feelings are just as valid, and you need to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself and meeting your own needs before jumping into a supportive role. Seek support from someone who you trust to talk about your struggles. Don’t treat your partner’s depression as something shameful and try to hide it. Most of all, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Give what you can and don’t overdo it.
Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
This will not be an easy process for either one of you. Remember that you don’t have to do it alone. There are resources and support available, so take advantage of them as much as possible. But as long as you keep your love for each other growing, your relationship at the forefront of your minds and always maintain open communication, you will be able to get through it together.
The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.
Lucy
This is so helpful! Really great tips ?
Katie Lemons
Thank you so much!
Shannon
As someone with depression, who seems to be perpetually single, I’m so happy to see an article like this out there. I’m always so afraid that my depression and other chronic illnesses will be the reason I’m single forever, but having quality literature like this available for potential partners, it gives me more hope. Wonderfully done.
Katie Lemons
Shannon, I’m so glad that my article helped! It’s absolutely possible to find a partner who is understanding and supportive of those with mental illnesses. Don’t give up hope!
Anissa
This very informative and extremely helpful. It helps to be supportive and sometimes doing things but not doing too much . I find listening more than talking helps too.
Katie Lemons
That’s very true. Letting them talk, if they are willing, is a great way to show support and to make them feel heard. When they don’t want to talk, I try to say encouraging things, like all of the positive attributes about them that I admire.
Michaela
Great informative post! My side of the family has depression and these points are very valid to me on how I feel sometimes and what I want (and need) from my husband and friends. Keep up the work and thank you for sharing these tips!
Katie Lemons
Thanks! I’m glad it was helpful!
Erin Maness
I love the point about not taking it personally! I feel like it’s easy to snap at your spouse knowing that they will still love you but not really meaning harm to them. Great post, loved the GIFs too!
Katie Lemons
It took me time to learn not to take it personally for sure. It totally seems that way, but I had to keep reminding myself that my husband wasn’t trying to hurt me.
Mommy B
These are great points you shared. These tips can help in a lot of ways. We don’t have to fight depression all by ourselves, our partners, family and friends will always be there to support and love us.
Katie Lemons
Our family and friends are our greatest source of support, and we should make sure that we ask for help when we need it. They are more than willing to do so, if they really care about us.
Victoria Sconion
I appreciate this post. It also will work for anyone who you love and care about. Dealing with a family member with depression is just as complicated as a spouse.
Katie Lemons
This is absolutely true. It can work very well with a family member or close friend who you want to help through difficult times in dealing with depression.
Tiffany Haywood
I think learning not to take it personally must be the most difficult thing. It can be hard to realize it may not be about you at all. Depression is never easy but these are a few really great ways to help someone help someone they love.
Katie Lemons
It is definitely one of the hardest things to do on this list. I’m glad you found my article helpful!
Lavanda Michelle Williams
I am very happy that you made this post. I think all your points on how to deal and how to help someone deal with depression are so helpful. Thanks for sharing!!
Katie Lemons
I’m glad you found it helpful!
Blair villanueva
This is a very helpful guide for us. I have friends who are struggling in depression, and it is tough. Will share these to them and to their partners.
Katie Lemons
Thanks for sharing!
Becca Talbot
As someone who has been in a relationship with a partner with depression, I can understand and relate to a lot of what you’ve written here. Unfortunately my partner didn’t get help soon enough, and his depression turned into anger and violence, which he took out on me. The relationship became toxic and he became abusive. I now have a restraining order against him, because of what he did to me. And all because I tried to encourage him to get help and he didn’t want to 🙁 x
Khushboo
My partner is dealing with a tough situation has he is without a job for the past few months. It is a super helpful post and will definitely will help me be more supportive.
Katie Lemons
I’m glad this is able to help you with your spouse. I hope things improve soon!
Danielle
I love this, so important for a partner to be supporting their partner while going through something.
Katie Lemons
Having loved ones nearby can be one one of the most helpful things when going through depression.
Anoop Kumar
Depression of one those things, that one has a hard time find answers to. Things become so obfuscatory, and you can’t really find a way. And the only way out is if you have someone around you, who loves you and deeply cares for you.